Why the City of Los Angeles Should Relocate Homeless To The Lakers Roster

The first question you would think somebody would ask when deciding to relocate thousands of homeless people is, “Where will they all go?” For many, it seems, this is a question that is too daunting to answer, and so a band of low-level city officials string together an incohesive plan.

As the city of Los Angeles prepares for the 2028 Olympics, many have speculated how homelessness would be addressed by the city’s notoriously upstanding government. I am by no means an expert in city planning, the mass relocation of human beings, or the Olympics, but by the way things are going now, I’ve decided to lay out a plan that might be a little more practical than the current decision to just “clean up” the streets.

At the bureaucratic level, to complete such a momentous task, the right questions have to be asked. Permits have to be written, police officers have to be equipped with riot gear and heavy duty assault rifles and tear gas. These are just a few of the steps the city will have to take to get anything done! Why would you waste taxpayer money on LAPD armored trucks when there’s a more practical option? Enter the LA Lakers.

As of late, the Lakers have essentially dropped the ball on draft picks, and it’s clear Bronny Jr. is only a distorted facsimile of his father (Bronny Sr.). Truth be told, LeBron may not be in the league by the time the ‘28 Olympics roll around. So, throughout the second half of the 2020s, I don’t see a world where the Lakers will be contenders. With their current roster, and what I’m assuming would be a “just-give-it-to-LeBron” mentality and a lackluster defensive backcourt, several misses on a worthwhile playoff appearance will have positioned the Los Angeles Lakers with early round picks.

Here’s what I propose: With cap space remaining relatively the same for the duration of LeBron’s contract, offer unhoused Los Angelees a spot on the practice squad on a minimum contract. Let them play some Summer League ball, pen a Nike signature shoe deal, and with the help of future Gen Alpha TikTokers as second round draft picks, tank the season for the opportunity to draft first overall in 2029. They can ride the bench and in the event of a midseason injury, you’ll have 20,000 backup point guards at your disposal. The Olympics will carry on in Los Angeles with the streets clear, and the Lakers might have a better chance at making a substantial playoff run sometime in the 2030s, before the west coast sinks into the ocean.

Or, you can just incarcerate them.