Advertising A crisis

We have entered an era of sensationalism that has superseded any form of reasoning we once had. There are many examples of this profound disconnect the world’s population have from our current realities, but none as visceral as the climate crisis; an issue that has evolved from its early beginnings as global warming to its edgy teen years as climate change, has now spun into a mid-life crisis. Now, with Trump backing out of the Paris Climate Agreement, assuring us that “America comes first” (while the state of California burns), we have a whole new set of problems we must address for the future of our planet.

It is a potent corporate greed that has led us to this catastrophe, coupled with the political procrastination of governments whose laughable financial incentives cloak their destruction in a veil of civil progress. In America, Democrats and Republicans, together, have straight up fucked us. The Democrats in their inability to put together a tangible objective and an embarrassing absence of any compelling beliefs or morals whatsoever, and Republicans in their violent deregulation and obsession with Rumpelstiltskin demagogues who are just as ugly as they are pathetic. Both then, as a cherry on top of our half-melted ice cream sundae, put the blame on the working class rather than hold corporations accountable.

In 2025, progressivism has an advertising issue. This late in the game, green policy isn’t appealing to the shock value of our sensationalized media. We don’t care about what’s happening in front of us, we care about the words we use to describe it, and what Anderson Cooper tells us to feel about it. Now, we realize there is no going back – the only thing to do is to not make it worse. We need to play the game to stay alive. We must rebrand the climate crisis.

Sensationalism subjects us to embarrassment if we don’t align with the collective reaction, which means we desperately have to use this fear to our advantage. This is why I think the world should rename global climate change to something a little more interesting. Something like:

GLOBAL CLIMATE ABORTION.

Think of how the world might change if we convince right wing policymakers the planet doesn’t want to carry us to term! To take this further, I believe you can replace the “change” in climate change with any titaliting words that inspire the action of those most drawn to sensationalism. (Some other prospects could include: Global Climate Gender Affirming Surgery; Global Climate AOC; Global Climate Immigration). All of these terms are foolproof ways to advertise our crisis as essential, urgent, and a threat to the American way of life.

Furthermore, this rebrand does not need to remain exclusive to the climate crisis. There are a variety of issues that, with the right phrasing, can become America’s next top emergency. Take the extensive banning of public school curricula. This is 2025! No one gives a shit about learning or reading. We’re just scared our kids will form opinions that make us question our own! So, how can we spin this in our favor? Instead of saying stuff like, “banning books makes your kids uneducated,” maybe try something along the lines of, “banning books makes your kids date brown guys.”