Free trials & tribulations

I waste obscene amounts of time. It’s because time means nothing to me. I’m young. I don’t understand the value of time. Sometimes, people realize how little time they have when somebody in their life dies, or they have some kind of terrible accident. Trauma is a catalyst for contextualizing the human clock. What’s my catalyst?

The 7 Day Free Trial. 

Nobody uses the trial to try something. If they did, that would be too easy. If you are like me, and find yourself fiscally impaired, the 7 Day Free Trial is mostly a glimpse into how the other half lives. The other half, it seems, lives a joyous ad-free life where their streaming options are dictated only by the nature of one’s whimsy. The Ad-Free class has used their financial leverage to buy their way out of meaningless and constant advertising, and to them, the free trial is simply that: a trial period to test a product, no consequences looming on the final day of the period.

The problem with the free trial, for the rest of us, is that you have to cancel it yourself. This is a burden that the Ad-Free do not understand. For them, there is no consequence in forgetting what day the trial ends. They were planning on paying for the service anyway. In the times that I myself have forgotten to honor the terms of the contract and cancel the trial before the seventh day, what follows is a cycle of bargaining and denial that I can only describe as a loss of innocence.

Even if I do find the time in my busy schedule to take fifteen seconds and cancel the trial, I am still attacked with a violent reality in doing so. The world of luxury in which I lived comes crashing down, the facade crumbles and the chorus of inappropriately targeted Hims ads ring out like horns of the apocalypse. There is no return. I have squandered my free trial, because I thought I was delivered a divine blessing. And now, the reality of my neglect rolls into the following week.

On the seventh day, God rested, knowing confidently he had cancelled his trial of MLBTV. 

We’ve all reached this point where we constantly get ripped off, and we just accept it. We all go, It’s late stage capitalism! That’s the problem! like we don’t secretly love Temu. It’s terrible for the environment, terrible for factory workers, but it’s all worth it for a five dollar pair of pants that will split down my crotch immediately. 

The Ad-Free get to live a life where their instant gratification is honored. It’s scary, having to wait for things. Amazon makes it hard to be a good person. Have you ever ordered something that’s not on Amazon? You feel betrayed, you feel like the victim of a crime.

I’ll order something online.

Your package will arrive in 5-10 business days.

Those days don’t exist! You think I’m considering what I’ll be doing in ten days?

I wait for an hour, and suddenly, I get the uncontrollable urge to track my package, which is something you should not be allowed to do. Don’t track the package.

My package has been “received” by the “carrier?”

What the fuck?

Why did you give it to them?! Give it to ME!!

Who is this “carrier?” 

This “carrier” better have to shotgun a gang of outlaws to deliver my package.

Does Prime have a free trial?